Thoughts from a shoe.

4:48PM - http://www.livejournal.com/users/_m_g_d_/

yes. I shall post it again.


http://www.livejournal.com/users/_m_g_d_/
A new year, a new LJ. This will be the last post from me on here. Go to my new LJ if you wish to know what goes on in my life. Or are just bored. And yeah.

7:59PM - I do declare..

Who ever came up with Hollywood Squares should be shot in the arm and forced to stab at their own gapping bloody wound with a rusty, dull spoon.

Current mood: contemplative

10:10AM - ... :-/

9:52PM - Ugh. Pouty little girls on the Olympics make me laugh :>

Yeah, so. I am thinking that I am going to make a new LJ. A new School Year, A new LJ. One that EVERYONE can see. Like, one that I will list on my profiles and what not. The Censored version, if you will. I think to start it talking about the new school year. And talk about the year in Review. Hmm. This is going to take some time, but sleep is so much more important right now. Or not. Starring at the Olympics. and that. Swimmer. from Towson <3 

Current mood: lazy

7:28PM - Yeah. It's over. It's all over.

I really want to go back to school.

1:22PM - Good Morning, Beautiful.

This. God damned song. Doesn't have ties like all the rest, but it damn near should. Any and every lyric is a constant memory or reminder of what once was :|

Current mood: crappy

11:11AM - I lost my god damn voice :|

Yes, well, Sunday. Hmm. Sunday wasn't much. Watched some more movies, got my new 17" LCD Flat Screened monitor <3 and then went with Katie and Mandy out to dinner and some random drivingness. I really am going to miss those two on those long ass boring nights up in PA. It just won't be the same as crusin' on Glen Burnie's streets :(( But, I digress. I may still be able to go to that Ravens game in November :) That would kick so much ass if I could go :) I hope mum isn't a bitch about it tho, but, mum being mom, and fucking up damn near anything that involves me, she probably will, because that is who she is an that is how she thinks. But I won't open up THAT box.

Yes, home early from work. I think I will straighten my hair again today. After I get my shower. After I take a nap. Lol. I lost my voice, also. I have never lost my voice before. It's an experience. HAnd gestrues. HA. But whatever. Oh yes. Let it be know, Keith Urban is my new Colin Farrell :) It's true.

Current mood: satisfied

1:27PM - It's raining out, god dammit :|

So, it goes like this. My mother and I put aside the incident yesterday and we went to the store. So. We were at the store, and we see that lady she works with.. the one where she knows I fucked her son on a beach. HA. It's funny tho. Because there was this massive amount of weirdness. Like. Heh. Heh. I fucked your son. The whole time, she was probably like, "Oh, that little whore". Lol. Whatever. It's asahme I was really really drunk and didn't know what I was doing. Otherwise, I wouldn't have given your son the time of day there, sweetheart :)  But whatever. We also saw Rusty again. Lol. Good old rusty. I hardly looked at him, but I could feel his Rusty-eyes burning holes into the back of me. Yes, Rusty. HA. Whatever.

So, I woke up this morning, after having a dream where I needed massive amounts of cubed cheddar cheese. And. DAmn near forgot all about yesteday. Mum appologized for starting what happened yesterday. And I said I was sorry for what I did. But still. Just let August 28th come so I can get the fuck off of Kent Island never to return except for Thanksgiving. Blah.

Current mood: good

7:44PM - "You are nothing but a disrespectfull little bitch."

Such wonderfull encouraging words from my own mother. I love it when she does this. It just adds to my ever so black heart. Then she came in to smack me. Me sitting in my chair, I put my foot up and kicked her hand away :) And then she was comming back to try and smack me again, and I kicked her in the stomach. She called me a disrespectfull little bitch. Yup, wonderful, caring, glorious words from my very loving mother. FUCK HER ........


And then a half an hour later. I got into a really really big physical confrontation with her. I attacked my own mother.  I snapped.

12:14PM

Well, tuna fish seemed like something yummy an hour ago. But, having come into my room and left it to do better things, my room now smells like tuna fish. I haven't even had a bite, but think I will give it to the cats and go make some peanut butter and jelly.

Current mood: hungry

11:49AM

It's Friday, this much is true. But, methinks it's going to be a boring one. Beth has to work. Katie's car is broken. I am not speaking to Lisa or Kate. I haven't seen Matt all summer. Blah :(  Eh well. For some reason, last night wasn't that cool, and I don't know why. This solitary confined ness.. basically, is still getting to me. I dislike it much. I am a social butterfly, dammit. I need some attention. Lol. I said it. I need attention. Just thinking about a lot of things, I suppose. Things that were, things that could be, things that are. "It's a long way down when all the knots we have tied come undone" JT had to drive me home again yesterday. We talked most of the ride home. He's so icky. Lol. But whatever. Fucking Jamie scared the bejesus out of me again yesterday. When I was messing with dad's XM, he came up to me and screamed REALLY loud. I kicked soda all over my dad's truck :) Lol. Jamie, I have said it before, and I will say it again. Payback is a mother fucker :) Be warned you little bitch ;) And that was basically yesterday. Oh, Andrew brought home CKY 4. Bam is so cool, and so is Ryan Dunn. He's hot when he has brown hair thats kind of short like and a goatee. But before the CKY video, they had something about HAggered. I couldn't help but think of that time with Shellie at Bobby's house and getting mad drunk and sick. Lol. That night was fucking CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZY. I was so sick afterwords. It took me damn near the whole weekend to get better from that. That reminds me. I hope I don't have to pay for Shellie all the fucking time again, that wasn't cool last year. That's why I ran out of money at school last year on my card. Blah. Whatever. Small gripes.

So, I woke up this morning. And watched VH1. Lmao. VH1 is so old. Old people trying to be cool. This thinking makes me giggle. But, they had the Usher Confessions video or some shit on. And like, I have to know. Why is it that in almost ever different shot he is losing some form of clothing? I really did find this funny. Yes, he is perfectly sculpted and whatnot. But god damn. lmfao.    Hey Jealousy.

Current mood: okay

6:03AM - I hate everything about you. Why do I love you?

So, it goes like this. Woke up late for work. Ha. I smell burnt hair straightener. I should look into this...

Current mood: drained

11:38PM - ................dammit.

Well. Once again. My thinking and I are completely monkey fuckt on said situations.

Mind fucks aren't cool.

The End

Current mood: cold

8:42PM - Our little Outside Joke.

To He who it concerns:

It's ashame it's come to this. Such solitary wonderment has made me upset; it has made me angry. Thoughts of happiness and loved and want have been replaced by hate and loathing and sadness. Questions I always wondered when the times were good and the questions that stll  remain after our falling out: Was it all a joke? Was it all something to pass the time? How is it you can just cast me aside? You even said that three word phrase, which I even said back to you. And thinking back, I think I meant that three word phrase. That must be why it's so hard to get you out of my head now. So many reminders of you; things that are entertwined with bits of our past conversations. I cannot get you out of my head--still, after so long. I try to forget about you, but it is so very hard. I want you to stop being the first person I think about when I wake up in the morning. I want you to stop affecting me when I see any signs of your name. I wish I didn't feel like this-- after so long. If you're not even going to acknowledge my existence anymore, you can atleast tell me so-- you owe me nothing but this. A few words of how you don't want to continue whatever we were doing would be fine; I would even be fine without an explanation. But the fact of letting me know something, instead of leaving me in the dark. Leaving me in the dark above all gets me upset. Everytime I hear of you, whether something in everyday reminds me of you, or just a random thought pops into my head, an immediate Fuck You comes to mind. Fuck you for making me care about you. Fuck you for making me feel about you. Fuck you. I really don't mean any of this, I truely don't. But, I suppose it's just a defense mechanism. Because you hurt me, you have truely hurt me, leaving me to wonder. I don't get hints easily. I don't get subliminal messages very well. You might as well hit me over the head then leave me hanging.. Maybe I was your little outside joke all along and never knew it. Well, it hurts. I want to stop thinking about you. I want to stop hearing you. I want to stop all of this. Please, just get out of my head. I will go quietly. Confused hurt and sad, I will go, but I will go quietly. I can't tell you how much you have hurt me. It wasn't a crush. It wasn't one of those, hey, you're really hot. It was alot more for me. And the fact that you said all that you have said, made me belive that you were the same way, somewhat. But it was all a joke. Our litte Outside joke. --My letter to you which you will never READ.

Loved you once, hate you more, and so confused.

Emmy

Current mood: disappointed

10:46PM - Let's talk this over, it's not like we're dead..

I have come to the conclusion that people suck. I think I already said this. Beth. What the fuck. I hate Eric. I hate that bastard with a heated, wonderfully loathesome passion. I bet he is the reason you couldn't do anything today. I absolutely heart the fact that you and I were best friends till he came along. But you know what? It goes like this. You should have and should... grow some fucking balls and be like, I have been friends with Emmy for damn near 8 fucking years :| And she is my friend. I haven't seen you all fucking summer beth. Come to think of it, it's really been over a year that we actually hung out and shit. With me being at school and what not. Oh, yeah, you're turning 21 this year. And you're all comming to school and shit to get me. BLAH Fucking right. Eric will be like. No. You need to tell Eric and all his 'holier then thou'ness to go fuck a tree :| lol. That would be funny. Eric is such a cock :|

I didn't like today at all. I was so happy this morning, and that has all dissapeared damn near instantaneously. I hate it. Blah. How is it I can get so wrapped up within myself that I can make me like me one minute, but be so absolutely I hate me and want to die the next? I find this funny. But at the same time, it sucks. I just keep having these wonderfull thoughts of being back at school, away from Kent Island. I love it and all, but enough is enough. I want to go back to school. Lol I will be back soon enough. I can't wait, Either, till Spring break. Hopefully I will have it with Katie and Mandy and Tim and Chris and CHad :) How much would that rule? It would, considering I would be in Florida and not stuck in fucking PA. Blah. whatever.

Well. It was like this. I woke up from my bored nap and went out into the other room. Mum was watching the W-League championship. And it was down to PK's. I couldn't help but see myself there. All of that pressure of how there is no tomorrow in your season, for it is the very last game. It's do or die, now or never. What you have worked so hard for your whole season, and beyond that to this point--your entire soccer career-- all comes full circle now. This is your shining moment. Your chance to prove that you're not just on the team just because, but you're on the team because you love the sport. You love the glory. The playing keeps you comming back, it's your first love. It's all you have ever known. And here it is, starring you in the face. It has all come down to this. What do you do? Sure. PK's are damn near impossible to save, but. What if you saved one? Hero for a day. Hero for a season. A local legend. So, I was watching this keeper, being as how. that's the position and all. And she made a save. I thought back to that one day I made the save for the Ft. Jags way back in the day. Lol. I was so confused that I was like, ok, I saved it, now what? ANd the ball was bouncing around the entire field before Brian was like, EMMY! LMao. I miss those days. The good old days. I miss going to practices every night, I miss playing. I miss it so much. Playing kept my head normal. Playing kept me full of confidence, full of self esteem. But now, I don't have anything like that to fall back on, and I am so shot because of it. Emotionally. I used to love to play. I still would. It's ashame that I can't anymore. BUT ANYWAY-- So, the last PK went to the keeper. She didn't even know that if she made this goal, that her team won the entire championship. So, she was so very poised. She jogged up to the spot, kicked the ball in the bottom right corner, and very cool, calm, and collected, she ran off to the side. Whereas, it was about this time that all of her teammates were running over to her. Then, she broke into this huge grin. I put myself there. I saw me making the saves. I saw me scoring the final goal, the golden goal. I couldn't help but see me there, how great could it be?  So very great. Not to alot of people would be able to understand. Soccer, an English sport. How gay. No, not gay. How glorious. It's hard to explain to someone that what you feel when you make a save--it is absolutely unexplainable. Lol. They wouldn't understand, if they haven't played. They wouldn't understand that it's all about your love for the sport. *sigh*

Now, it's just all kinds of depressed like. Blah. Zero confidence. Absolutely nothing. I just feel like bashing my head into this fucking wall until my brains leak out of my ears and I am unrecognizable except with dental records. It's ashame that I feel like that. But it's true.

~What I've felt, What I've known, turn the page, is turned to stone. Behind the door, should I open it for you? What I've felt, what I've known, so sick and tired, I stand alone. Could you be there, cause I don't wanna want, don't wanna wait for you... Behind the door, should I open it for you? I take this key, and I bury it in you, because you're unforgiven too...~

Current mood: apathetic

4:34PM - oh jesus fucking christ.

What have I done? It was so pretty. And it was long. And. Yeah. And now it's not, and died. and so shitty :| I couldn't leave well enough alone. Nope, nope. couldn't do that. BLAH :|

Current mood: irate

10:31AM - Cheeky Bitch.

I absolutely Heart my long soft pretty goregous hair. It's ashame that it's attatched to my head, but hey, I think I should take what I can get at this point. It is soooooooooo long and straight and. So very. um. Jennifer Love Hewitt like. But without all of the. Look, I'm a whore. Yes. I heart it so. I even took a pic of me with my wonderfully wonderful beautiful pretty sleek touchabley soft hair. Lol. IM me if you want a pic of it :) 

But now I have to go and do the deed of getting it trimmed. Wish me luck. I really hate it when someone has a pair of scissors near my head (:|

Current mood: giggly

3:19PM - Rusty.

Went to the store with mum today. I got a hair straightener. Maybe now I can have pretty long hair. I already have the long hair. It just needs to get pretty. Haha. I also need to get it cut to get the split ends lopped off. But other then that. I dunno. It's all this god damn abercrombie and american eagle shit that makes me actually want to care about my apperance. HAHA I am kidding. I cared before, but I heart my clothes, I think I shall go back and get more. And what's better, it's so much fun when you actually HAVE money to spend in those stores :X

And then. We saw Rusty at the store. Ha. Good old rusty. HE kind of stalked or. did not. Lisa. And. He was all. Hey Emmy. And I was like, It's Rusty. And then he was like. gawking at me. EWWWWWWWWWWW It's Rusty. Lol. he's a boy, and like Nathan said, boy's SMELL :-L But it was pretty funny. I was like. Bye Rusty. And he was like. Still starring at me. Yup. Weirdo :)

And now I am home. Wondering if and why and how and how many people think I am a god damn joke. I bet damn near any and everyone in my life that I have ever encountered take me as a joke. Sure, I love to have fun. I will do almost anything to make people laugh. It's what I do. But, there is a time when I want to be serious.. And have all the humor be paused.. But. It isn't and won't. No one takes me seriously. BLAH. Fuck that. Fuck you. Fuck off. I think I am going to go watch Sword and the Stone again :| Haha.

Current mood: accomplished

7:24AM - Hottness.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I cheated. I didn't go to work today. But oh wait, that's right. I don't go to work on Saturdays. I don't know why everyone's freaking out. GET OVER it. Saturday is sleep and have fun day. Fuck work. And if Dane Cook were here, it would be, Fuck Shoes! Fuck Shoes.But anyway. I was all mass saddnened when I thought I heard that the really REALLY really REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY hot guy wasn't comming back to work. The one with the really sexy hot as fuck tattoo on the back of his neck and the really really cool peircing. Lol. But, low and behold, he was at work yesterday. SCORE! I saw him and he all had perfectly placed smudges on his face and was all dirty and whatnot from work. He looked so hot. I damn near had to like. Wipe off the truck window and get rid of all that drool. Lol. I have also come to the conclusion, that yet again, it is good to admire from afar. I.E. Sammy. Because this guy is just like that. REally fucking hot, and then. He opens his mouth up, and it's like.. SsSsSsHhH. Don't speak. You'll ruin it. Lol.

And how about that other guy who was really hot as hell on Thursday when Katie and I were racing him up in Glen Bernie? It's ashame that. He was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hot also. LMFAO. We beat his truck :) It was cool. He didn't let us win either. We most certainly won. Lol. Ehh. Why did we have to see Chris and Tim on that night? We were having so much fun without seeing or acknowledging their existence. But as soon as Katie saw them, she like. Clammed up and got all emotional. She tried not to, and I give her props for that, but I know her better then that. She really was upset. But good for her to keep saying to herself that Tim doesn't matter. Because, in all reality, he is no one special. Not at all. And.. She told me this about other stuff. And, I told her how it was-- maybe if we say these things long enough about our situations, we will start to believe them. And she said on Thursday-- No one likes getting their heartbroken. Wow. It never came to me that this is what this is. It's ashame. Because it sucks mad fucking ass. But, I digress. I have said it before, and I will say it again.

Current mood: devious

9:00PM - Fyk.

It's pretty sad when you've been driven to rehearsing how you want to speak to someone so that they will talk to you without them knowing you want to talk to them. or. Yeah. He makes me so upset. And angry. and. yeah. But I can't say anything because i will come off as either a bitch or a psycho or both. so i am forever damned with all of this unhappiness bottled up inside. MOTHER FUCKER :|

Current mood: confused